Yours truly
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Sunday, July 03, 2011
Just another dilemma.
as a girl, i guess i don't ask for too much. i just need certainty.
these days i don't feel as happy as i used to. as happy as you used to make me feel.
too much a time, i place myself in your shoes - i think about what you might be feeling when you do a certain thing. i think about why you do what you do, or say what you say. i know, sometimes whatever i envisioned are merely assumptions, but there have been many instances that my assumptions were actually true.
all i really want is to have you by my side every single day - figuratively. and i want you to want the same. after all that we've been through, i know, perhaps we should be stronger. perhaps i should be more resilient...or maybe more adapting. but point is, i HAVE been adapting. i've ALWAYS been adapting.
i'm tired. i'm tired of thinking about how sad i am. i just can't be happy having gone through everything, and i just can't wait to get away. i feel so sad and i just wanna cry on your shoulder but i don't know if that shoulder will always be there.
and no matter how hard i try, i know whatever i do or say can't change things. why is it so hard to let go? i don't even want to let go even though i feel this way, and i have every right in the world to leave you right now. but i can't. why? :'(
i know the answer. i do. but i can't say it.
after our conversation just now, and also probably months ago, i just feel like whatever i had has been taken away. the 'love' i once had perished.
the first time, i felt such strong certainty cause you said i love you after you felt how much i was there for you. and i thought that was deep cause i was there for you at your lowest. and the second time you said it, i don't know why you said it..probably because of regrets cos u left me the first time and you thought that we cannot be apart, and hence, you 'loved' me. the third time, i felt the greatest certainty...
"my captain said that if the girl is willing to wait for a guy for two years in NS, she's worth the keep. just like my wife. i love you."
i keep those words so dear to my heart that once those words no longer exist, it feels like.... the 'love' i once had is gone.
in this post, i just want to let you know that i have never taken back whatever i've said before. that's the sole reason why i can't let go of you even when i feel this way. i have always felt so sure. i can see our future... only if you are willing to work towards it with me. i am willing to wait till your heart is sure. i'm willing to pray for both of our happiness. seriously, all the things that we've been through is such a waste if we don't make it. but if we're not fated to be together, then i guess God has better plans for the both of us, no matter how hard it is to accept that right now.
i don't wanna force you to do or say anything. i want you to mean what you say. and mean what you do. and... i just want to be happy again. :'(
Blogged @ 9:54:00 PM